I know its been a year or so since I have poked my head in here. The depression has taken hold of me and it seems to be happy here. lol I think it should start paying rent.
any how I want to write. Just write no matter who may be reading. I want to design again.... I cant seem to get there tho. I open Photo shop and open a fresh clean page and ........ nothing. just nothing. no focus, no ideas, no nothing. Even with the holidays here I cant seem to 'see' anything. That's kinda wrong.... I see darkness...... emptiness ...... I just cant seem to find a crack in this, something I can force open. I want to see the light again.... I want to pull myself back together but it feels like some of those pieces are gone for good now. A blank space forgotten in time never to be seen again in the light of day. Killed of by the darker sides hiding out there. waiting.... hoping ..... tasting the life they want to suck out of me. I can feel the other parts looking out a window at the real world and knowing that I should do something to stop this self destruction but cant brake free to do it. and the f*cking holidays don't help it. They seem to make that wall thinker and taller every day. Thanksgiving was big in both mine and my late hubby's family. As i am sure it is with most people. So thanksgiving was the first holiday me and bobby had to spend without Mike. Even tho Bobby was told of mikes passing he still yelled out for his dad when we got home from my moms that first year. (Mike died in 11/03) That just broke my heart. I open the door and wheel bob into the front room and he yells out ...."Dad I'm home.... I ate mashed potatoes" (That's a REAL BIG THING for bobby who never eats anything good for him.) I had to let my sister push him in the rest. That was so hard...... to hard for words to explain to you. He missed out on saying good bye to his father. His dad was home when he went to school and was gone when he got home. No good byes no hug no nothing..... god that still makes me want to cry. Any way, moving on if i can. Thanksgiving suxs now, and we were married on 12-12-92 so that makes this year number 20 had he still been alive. So u c what it did to Christmas as well. I cant even look at the stuff in the closet anymore. pushed my pc desk up against it so u cant even open the door. So................ the holidays SUX I'm just saying. OK...... the cats wont let me type anymore... maybe i can type more later...
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